I just can't take it anymore!

Ok so everyone who actually reads this knows how I feel about Justin. I still love him a lot but I question how much longer I will wait. I've turned down two relationships from two really nice guys because my feelings for Justin is just too strong to try and date someone else. I will give anything to be Justin's girlfriend I can't take being his friend anymore. I don't want to lose him to another girl. I don't want to lose him ever! I wish I could just come clean and tell him the truth but its not as easy as it seems to be. Nothing is ever easy as seems to be sadly. I've known Justin for quite some time now I'm so close to him yet I want to be closer. I always feel the need to be with him. I always feel like I have to talk to him but texting or IMing isn't the same I need to hear his voice whether its through the phone, in person,or over our voice chats. If I could I'd be with him every day! I really do feel like I want to marry him but I can't tell him that not when he only sees me as a friend. Why is it everytime I crush on a guy the guy only likes me as a friend and when a guy actually likes me more than a friend I don't feel the sameway? I know I've said he could be the one to a few guys already but for some reason I feel like Justin really could be the one. No one makes me feel the way he does. I can't stand not being away from him. Texting him does satisfy me sometimes but not completely. I want to go back to high school where atleast we saw eachother everyday. The place where almost every period we stood in the hallway and talked between classes and always ended up being late to class. I don't care if I always got detention for it I was happy being with him and that was all that mattered to me.

Just an update

I thought it was time for an update because it has been quite a while since I posted something. I really don't know what to say exactly. I'm on facebook, watching tv, and IMing Justin. I'm a little depressed but that is how I always feel after I've spent time with Justin. I am always so happy around him and feel like nothing could be any better than it already is than when we leave I already start missing him. I feel like in order to stay happy I need to be with him. I guess what I am saying is I feel like I want to spend my life with him. The problem is how can I tell a guy who only likes me as a friend that I want to marry him? That would probably scare him off and I don't want that. Justin means so much to me I would literlly do anything for him. I dont want to lose him thats my biggest fear. Im afraid since he likes me as a friend that one day he's going to find someone that he likes more than a friend and I'm stuck heartbroken again. Those heart breaks cured but my feelings for him are so strong it would take forever to heal if I lost Justin. He knows I like him but he doesn't realize how much I'm afraid to tell him exactly how much because than it'll change what we have. I love him so much even if he doesn't love me back the same way as long as he knows I'm always there for him and would do anything to protect him.

Could this be love that I feel?

First off I'd like to share the lyrics to my favorite song thats always getting stuck in my head now. Its called Could This be Love that I Feel by Victoria Acusta

Woke up this morning, just sat in my bed
8am first thing in my head
is a certain someone who's always on my mind
he treats me like a lady, in everyway
his smile warms me throughout the day
should i tell him 'i love you'?
wish i knew what to say
Could this be love that I feel,
So strong, so deep and so real,
If I lost you would I ever heal,
Could this be love that I feel? (2)

The way he looks,
So deep in my eyes,
Our hearts are so warm,
I just wanna cry,
Then he's so hardworking,
He wants to be someone.
Should I tell him that I love you,
What if he doesn't say it too,
I'm getting so nervous,
What should I do
Could this be love that I feel,
So strong, so deep and so real,
If I lost you would I ever heal,
Could this be love that I feel? (2)

Will it be my turn,
Two hearts beating together as one,
No more loneliness,
Only love, laughter and fun
Could this be love that I feel,
So strong, so deep and so real,
If I lost you, would I ever heal,
Could this be love that I feel? (2)
Could this be love that I feel?...

You can take a guess of who I can relate to with this song thats if you know me well or payed attention. Right now I'm in an ok mood I was a little hyper but getting calm now I might go to bed after this since its like a little after 1 in the morning. I really don't get the whole feeling of love sometimes yea I say I'm in love and never felt like this before. I say I think he could be the one but I said that with my last 3 crushes. What makes my crush with Justin so different? Why is it my other crushes lasted like a few months but my crush on Justin has lasted like 5 years now? To be honest I don't think its a crush anymore I think its a lust and I'm a little embarassed to say that too lol. But seriously why can't I move on like I did with the others nothing is happening between us. According to him I'm the most wonderfull girl he knows. He wouldn't go to prom with anyone but me. He's never met a girl like me before and he likes a lot but he just doesn't see us as dating. He leads me on sometimes than just turns it all down. I really want to move on but can't I was so close to having a boyfriend he asked me out but I was so nervous because I haven't had one in so long but ended up turning him down because I felt it wrong to go into a relationship when I have such strong feelings for someone else. My feelings for Justin made me turn down a really nice person who hates me now because he thinks that I was setting him up. I need to move on but no one catches my interest anymore and it sucks. I really do hate love but I will wait for Justin because I have the feeling that my feelings for him are forever I mean this is the longest crush I've had. I can't believe its been about 5 years now since I met him and fell inlove with him how crazy is that?

It was never my choice

I was told after I graduate high school I was to move to Fords with my mom and dad and would be closer to college although it seemed cool while in high school I'm havng second thoughts. I was never given a choice if I wanted to move or not. I have too much crap in my room I have no idea what do with it. Should I sell it, keep it, throw it out, or donate it? I should of been in the new house by now but I'm stuck working on my room. I can't clean it all my self and my mom said she'd help me but when she came over to help me she never did she just made me get all the laundry out of my room my self. I don't like being forced to do things and now I'm being forced not only to clean my room but to move to a new town. I was just getting used to driving around East Brunswick. I don't want to get used to a whole new town. I also have no idea how I'll manage to get to work everyday when it'll be farther away once I move. I wish I could go back to high school I really don't feel like going to college anymore. I don't want to grow up. I want to go back to High Point atleast I was happier there. It was never my choice to leave there either! Even if I thought I hated that place and wanted to leave it didn't occur to me that I didn't want to leave until it was time to.=\ I sometimes just want to start all over again. If I could start over I'd want everything to change. It would include my looks, the way I see things, my opinion and thoughts, and maybe even my gender.

Cant trust anyone these days

I question who to call my friends these days because the so called frieds I call my friends haven't been good friends lately. Everytime I'm with a big group of friend I feel like an outcast. I'm being left out of things by my own friends. The jokes my friends say about me is not funny anymore they are just mean. I'm tired of certain friends saying I can't drive for life. They shouldn't be talking because they aren't good either. No one is a perfect driver no one ever will be. I'm tired of being lonely. I need a new life. I going to change and this time I mean it. I will be different kind of girl for my freshman year of college. It's going to be hard but I'm going to try to stop acting tomboyish. People tell me I need to act more girly so now I'm finally going to. This means I'm going to have big outfit changes that normally I wouldn't be caught dead in. My hair will be hard since sometimes it has a mind of its own lol. I try to make it look good than later in the day it's always getting messed up. I would give up on my hair because I was tired of having to constantly fix it up. My mom is always buying me make up time for me to finally start using some of it. It's also time to use the nice purses she would get me too and the designer perfumes. Change of topic now I really want to see The Toxic Avenger Musical. I saw it once before it went on Broadway and loved it. The broadway cast is the same cast I saw too. I'm listening to the soundtrack right now. My keyboard is really annyoing me right now. It's acting stupid sometimes. I have to press keys a million times for it to finally work but now it seems to be acting normal. Stupid keyboard why are you being so messed up? -_- I'm bored and wide awake thats one reason I made this blog. I spend too much time online I really do need a new life lol.

Death or Love?

I normally don't post blogs so early in the morning but 1. I'm bored 2. I haven't posted one in a while. I haven't been feeling myself lately I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe its fact that I'm not a kid anymore. I'm a college student and can be charged as an adult and everywhere around me celebrities are dying. Why do people have to die anyway? I fear death more than I fear anything else. I'm extremely senestive when talking about death and I mean extremely. Just a little discussion about death can set me off. It's setting me off right now too. I wish could be immortal like Edward Cullen lol. I want someone to prove to me that reincarnation is true or that heaven is true. I want some to prove to me there is no darkness and there is after life. Why can't we prove that? Why is it so hard to prove? I don't want to fear death. I want my life to be happy. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep and twitching everytime I think about death. I'm tired of hiding my true feelings to everyone. I wish people could understand me better because right now no one understands me but my teddy bears. Right now Metallica is stuck in my head "Hold my breath as I wish for death or please G-D help me!" "Hold my breath as I wish for death oh please G-D save me!". Thats exactly what I need to be saved. Who is going to save me? The only person who can make me happy is the person who actually makes me feel sad later on. The only thing I hate more than death is love. Love is so confusing. How can I crush on a guy for 4 straight years? This guy is never going to be interested in my why can't I move on like I did with all my other crushes? Whats so special about this one guy that I can't move on. FML!!!!!!

Its been quite some time

So its been quite some time since I wrote on my blog let me say a lot has changed. When I say a lot I mean a lot. I'm not a high school student anymore. I'm not really happy with my school though because when I opened up the envelope my diploma was in instead of an envelope was a paper saying I need to pay a fine which really pissed me off because I swear I payed all my fines. The last full day of school I made sure I payed my lunch fine. I handed in my math text book to attendance to cancel that fine. I also payed all my library fines too. The other sad part of that day was that Michael Jackson died. I loved him and will miss him. I just got back from a graduation party which was fun. I have another one later today. I'm saying that since its midnight and technically the next day. I'm kind of sad that I'm done with high school because now I'm a college student and that means I'm not a kid anymore. I'm annoyed at some of my friends. I have one friend who I think has the worst attitude problem and always thinks everything is stupid. I also has a friend who always has to be the center of attention and won't shut up about her life. I question everyday why I'm friends with certain people. There is nothing that I hate more than someone who uses the word "gay" in a derogatory way. Gay does not equal stupid and it doesn't equal a guy liking a guy either. If you want to know the real definition of gay it actually means happy. So whoever say thats so gay or you're gay they're saying thats happy or you're happy. I would say I am gay right now but I'm not.

Love is complicated

I'm bored and getting tired. I had an energry drink before and it was really big. I was so hyper but now I'm kind of crashing. I had such a fun time at the mall with my friend Justin. I really wish though he would realize how much I like him. Yea sure he knows I do because friends have told him but he doesn't realize exactly how much. I love him a lot. He literly means the world to me and I would do anything for him. I would risk my life to save his. I really feel like he is "The one" and I've said that about guys before and have been wrong but I'm really sure this time. I've known him and crushed on him for 3 years. I've never been so close to a guy before like I'm close with him. We go out almost every week and I always enjoy them. I never want the time I'm with him to end. I just don't understand how doesn't get it I mean I give so many hints even my friends know. He only likes me as a friend he told me himself but sometimes I wish he could change his mind maybe if he realized how much he meant to me. I wonder why love is so complicated and confusing. One day my dreams will come true and I will finally be happy. For now I'll have to deal with only being happy in my dreams. I'll be waiting for the day he decides he wants me to be his girlfriend however long that may take I'll wait for him.

Dwayne Johnson is so hot!

I thought I would update and make a happier entry then my last entry. I was watching the 2009 Kids Choice Awards earlier and OMG it was so good! Dwayne Johnson was the host. Let me just say Dwayne Johnson looks so hot in a dress lmao. He's number one on my celebrity boyfriend list now. He is so muscular and with no shirt on he is the hottest man alive lmao. I'm also happy that the twilight series won best book. Twilight was so good. I thought the book was better than the movie. I'm going to buy New Moon and read that. I might also get Eclipse and Breaking Dawn thats if I have enough for all of them. I hope I do, I want to read all the series, then go and watch the movies. New Moon comes out November 20, 2009, I can't wait lol. I also can't wait until July 17, 2009 when Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince comes out. November 19, 2010 is when Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part I comes out looking forward to that as well. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part II comes out July 15, 2011. I read all the Harry Potter books except the second because I lost it but I saw the movie so I didn't care to read it really. I'm so wide awake its 3 in the morning. I don't normally post blogs this early but I was bored and need something to do so did this to kill some time lol.

I feel so misunderstood by so many people...

I sometimes feel misunderstood by my teachers and my friends and even my family. Why does my life get so complicated that I can't even understand it sometimes? I really can't take this shit anymore! The pressure or the stress of school and life is really annoying me. My teachers are pushing me to do way more things that I can handle. I feel over stressed everyday in school. My friends are constally joking with me and its hurting me weather they think its funny or not it really hurts me. My family doesn't even know half the things I feel or how I see the world. My whole life is changing before me and my life is flashing. I would give anything to be young again or to just be reborn and start a whole new life because right now I feel like my life sucks. I constantally feel depressed and constally worry about death. I have a big fear of growing old and dying and that controls my life sometimes and I often cry my self to sleep thinking of stuff like that. I really don't know who to call my true friends because people I have been calling my true friends at some point really let me down or even hurt me mentally. Out of like all the friends I have right now I can only think of 2 I can call a true friend and I dont even trust those 2 people fully. I feel like I can't trust anybody. I have big trust issues now and its thanks to all the people who have let me down a lot. This is the time I would like to say that only my teddy bears fully understand the real me. I seriously need help but have no one to turn to because I can't trust anybody. I can't trust my teachers or my friends not even my own family. I feel like I'm all alone in the world with no one to talk to about my problems and thats why I'm the way I am because I'm hiding how I really feel about many things. I think about and question so many things that is so complicated there is no answer. Someone prove to me reincarnation is real and I'll stop fearing death.

Happy Valentines Day!

Well its been quite a while since I wrote on my blog. I just recently got my laptop back it was gone for two weeks to get the keyboard fixed because my spacebar was broken. I think I have an entry where I complained about my spacebar lol. Well now I don't need to complain about it anymore because its fixed. Well not much has happened the whole time my computer was gone I hung out at the library and used computers there. I got to see a bunch of young teens get kicked out which was funny. I wittnessed a fight in my lunch class. First it was just two girls yelling at eachother and teachers trying to break it up. Then one girl charged and attacked the other one everyone got up from their seats and crowded around and I was stuck getting claustrophobic couldn't back up because a garbage can was behind me. I was just trying to get to my table to eat my lunch lol. It was scary yet amazing at the same time the last fight I saw was sophomore year in K-hall all I saw was hands in the air because there was such a big crowd and I tried to push my way through to get to class. I ended up tripping and fell but I was ok I'm used to faling lol. I used to be so clumsy I still am sometimes. I used to fall so much from in the 10th grade now I don't fall as much lol. I remember 10th grade when my to best guy friends would make bets on how many times I would fall in one day and within the last 5 minutes I fell 3 times lol. I'm going to the movies later today,I can't wait. I've been wanting to see this movie. I'm going to go I don't really know what else to say and I don't like to ramble on with random things even though my blog is supposed to be random pointless things but its not good to ramble on too much lol. Kind of like I'm doing now so uh yea bye! =)

Its been awhile

Its been quite a while since I last updated. Much has happened since then. I can't believe January is almost over though. There are a few things I like about February and a few things I hate about it. I normally hate Valentines day since its basically just for couples these days. All day in school I saw girls carrying around teddy bears big and small, chocolates, flowers, cards, balloons all given to them by their boyfriends. To make that worse everywhere I look there are couples holding hands, kissing eachother, and hugging eachother like they'd never see eachother again after that moment. Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone in a couples world. Sure ask all my friends they will say Justin and I are dating but thats not really true. We're just friends even though we all know I wish it were more. But I actually did used to be in a relationship. A long distance one but that didn't work out for me. Now I recentally found out my ex is actually married and has a daughter now and he's like a year older then me kind of. I can't believe that the fact he instally has a girlfriend when I broke up with him. I remember meeting him we were friends and he started liking me. We went to the same school until 7th grade then both went to schools in our home towns. We haven't seen eachother for 3 years eventually we met up again and hung out. But in those 3 years I've moved on he told me he hasn't many people have asked him out be he said no because of me. I bet you he was lying how else did he get a new girl so quickly? I'm sure eventually I'll have a nice relationship with someone but for now I'll live life the way it is and be happy for what I have now. I also want to make a difference in this world I dont know how but some how I will. I want to and will change the world someday and make it better.

My first entry in school

I'm in class right now in my humanities class, which by the way is a great class and one of my favorites.But right now I'm not enjoying it I'm sitting on the floor using a computer, which is really hard to do, but we're working in groups on our final project for our unit. I love having partners and working in groups but at the same time I hate it because I always have hard time getting partners and finding groups. No one ever wants to be my partner. I'm always the last picked. Very often I end up working on my own with no partner and sometimes I end up having to be partnered with the teacher. Gym class is the same way with team sports. I'm always the last to be picked. Even with my best friend in my class I'm still the last picked because my friends decicde they rather be partnered with a closer friend thats in class. I feel very unloved by my friends sometimes. In some cases I have group of friends where we're all friends with each other and I feel like everyone is so close to everyone but me. I feel like the odd person out sometimes. My friends have all have these inside jokes with each other and I'm always excluded from them. I don't know if its me or them but sometimes I feel like I dont have any friends when I know I do. The way I get treated by my friends sometimes is hurting me I know they're joking but I feel it gets out of hand sometimes. They joke too much with me now and now its hard to tell if they are or not. Sometimes the jokes even hurt me and they still think its funny. I don't really feel really apprieciated when I'm with a group of friends because they're all having such a good time but then leave me as the odd person out. Well I'm going to now because class is over or almost over enjoy my first blog entry in school lol.

Happy New Year!

I hope your New Years was just as good as mine. =) I had friends over and we haed a great time playing games like hungry hungry hippos and scene it lol. We played my Harry Potter Version. I also have a Nickeloden version but we didnt play it. I won the game. After midnight when my friends left thats when my new years actually went down hill really. My butt was really hurting I know not a pleasant thing to share but its true lol and it was serioud I couldnt walk, sit, or lay down. Even moving very little hurt and it was so hard to sit or lie down at all. I'm actually all better now though. I'm still in a little pain but I can walk again it still hurts a tiny bit to sit and lay down though. As long as I dont lie down on my back I'm fine though. This week went by a little faster then I thought it would and I really dont want to go back to school on Monday but then yet at the same time I do. The reason I want to is because before vacation I told all my teachers about my road test and how nervous I was and scared about how I would maybe fail and now I want to spread the news to all the teachers I told. The reason I don't want to go is because I procrastinated and I have homework but I still don't really feel like doing it because I have so much to do for just this one class. I have two more days to work on it though so I'll probably start working on it soon.