Society

After talking to a friend about society and what it does to celebrities it had me think a little to my senior year in Humanities. Everybody tries so hard to fit into this society "Norm". A girl needs to be skinny to fit in or a guy should have muscles. Marilyn Monroe was famous and was not your average size anorexic woman she wasn't afraid of who she was. Celebrities these days try so hard to fit into the society. Today's society music is all about sex and drugs and the newest craze "Twerking". Miley is an example. She went from this perfect image Disney Channel gave her to some just like everybody else twerking whore. Hannah Montana was an image created for a show on Disney Channel and a breaking point for Miley Cyrus a chance for her to be something. Though her dad helped her fame a little bit from his country songs he put out in the past. Miley made some great music as Hannah Montana and some of it was very inspirational and had moral in it and taught lessons. Even after the Hannah Montana movie when Miley wanted to shed off Hannah and just sing as Miley she had some inspirational music still like "The climb" which was her big hit after her movie. I feel she started going downhill a bit after the song "Can't be tamed" came out. The lowest is "we can't stop" The music video for it is disturbing. She makes out with dolls and twerks all over the place. Her VMA performance was even more disturbing and she totally shed off the Hannah Montana image now. With all her hair cut off and acting like everyones craze in the twerking and looking like sluts and whores. Miley wanted to shed off that image Disney gave her just to fit into that society norm. That's where it all falls into place everybody always wanting to fit into society that they do whatever it takes to do it even if it ruins their career or their health. Some people on the other hand like Michael Jackson changed his image to better himself not to fit in. He went from black to white because he had a rare skin disease that caused him small white spots so he bleaches his whole skin white and his fanbase dropped. People dissed him for that his hair changes his appearance changed and all of a sudden he is a pedophile for something that happened. His music was very touching and inspirational they taught lessons. Like Black or White for example taught it us it doesn't matter your skin color we're all human. His Earth song teaches how badly our planet is being treated and Man in the mirror teaches people to look at who they are don't be afraid to make a step up your game and make that change. He wanted to make a difference he wanted to change the world but he didn't into societies picture so he got ridiculed for it. It took until he passed away for people to appreciate who he was as a person. I really don't get why people try so hard to fit into society when they can be themselves. True beauty comes within not being like everybody else. Beauty is a different topic too and the question is, what is beauty anyway? The word Beautiful means something different to everyone. What one person thinks is beautiful someone else might think is ugly. Ugly that seems like such a harmful word and makes you wonder whats considered ugly and whats considered beautiful? Society considers beauty as a skinny anorexic looking woman who barely looks healthy. That isn't true beauty I believe true beauty is Marilyn Monroe I mentioned that she wasn't afraid to be who she was she wasn't your society norm she was different, she was unique, most of all she was herself.

I realize I can get very vicious

Yea like my title says I do notice that sometimes. I get really upset at something or someone and most the time take it out on this blog. Now I honestly don't know who reads my blogs at all or if anyone cares. I post here to let out steam now sometimes I do that on facebook but a lot of people tell me I really shouldn't vent out on facebook because sometimes it can lead or it can cause more trouble then you were really looking for. Now I know I have said some pretty nasty things about people in past blogs some of it I may have meant but some of it maybe not. I just type out of frustration that I'll say anything to blow off steam then I look back to that post later on and think to myself did I really just say that? Some of that is how I do feel though but probably could of worded it nicer. One thing I learned though this goes to a topic I may have mentioned here not quite sure but whatever. Never get too attached to someone you're friends with benefits with. They chose to be friends with benefits for a reason and if you start developing feelings it kinda starts ruining the friendship a little. I love him with all my heart I really do but I rather have him in my life as a good friend than not have him in my life at all. With my being way too attached too soon I kind of ruined most of our benefits to the point where we rarely do it anymore. Let's just say it went from him always being in the mood to me not so much to flipping that all around and I really want it and all he will say is I don't know. You apparently can turn a guy that is DTF into a guy thats not so DTF for you. Yes it does hurt seeing him flirt around with other girls and say and do sexual things to her. It especially hurts when one of those girls is your best friend since the first grade. You think a moral best friend code would come in there somewhere. What I find a little messed up though is that he really only messes around with her because she is "willing" and its just another person for him to fuck. I ruined us and I regret that but the damage has already been done and I can't take any of it back I just need to live with it and accept the mistakes I made. I was never the kind of person to be DTF and when it came to him flirting with me I never knew what to do or say because I honestly never liked being flirted with so dirty. Now I would give me than anything to have him flirt with me the way he used to I would actually flirt back or be dirty back. Thing is I try too hard sometimes now that it ruins the mood/moments. Just leads me to suffer from an anxiety attack and him to go off flirting with someone else. Sometimes I do wish I could change my past but I know if it weren't for any of the shit I went through I'd most likely be a completely different person and I probably wouldn't know half the people I know today. I'm learning who real friends are and I don't want to lose any of them. Especially my friends with benefits even if there is not so much of the benefits part anymore he still means so much to me and he always will whether he's my boyfriend or just a friend nothing will change.

She is dead to me

I got blocked by this bitch on facebook for the second time now for about the same reason she blocked me the first time. I don't think I ever explained it so let me explain. This was about the time my friend was pregnant and some people weren't very supportive of her. She sent out a group text to a few friends now I guess some phones don't support those group convos so what it does is send a separate text to anyone who responded. I had a phone that did that once so I recall thats what the case was. Anyways I said something to my friend in the group text she sent out and the bitch responded to me in a separate text "who are you?" I don't remember exactly what I said to my friend but she went off on me for accusing her of the pregnant one and said I don't know you don't talk to me. Then the fight moved to facebook and I'm defending my friend since she was bad mouthing her and she takes the opposite side and goes all off and blocks both of us refusing to hear any point of view we had. She threatened to report me for harassment I never caused. After about a year of that drama we become friends again not even a month we been facebook friends since then and recently a good friend of mine got into a physical fight with another good friend a boy and a girl and the girl got hit by the guy. Her husband stepped in to defend him. But any who the bitch took his side and defended him but first off she wasn't there she doesn't know what went down. But she claims he such a sweetheart and would never hit a girl. Started name calling my friend and bad mouthing us once again sticking to the one story and not caring about our point of view at all. She then goes off and blocks us. So this is why I'm annoyed because she is a no good stubborn ass bitch that kisses her friends ass and will believe any little thing they say and not care what others say or think. I don't need these bitches in my life time to move on and forget. No going back I don't care what so ever like my title she is dead to me. I am not going to pay her any mind what so ever she can go kiss her friends ass stick her whole head up their asses grow a dick and fuck the ass for all I care. I heard you were engaged? I wonder why he left you because you are a no good stubborn ass bitch who doesn't listen to anyones story views just stick to one story. You need to get your fucking facts straight before you go accusing people of shit. You fucking good for nothing kiss ass skank!

Bitches need to shutup

I try to be nice to people I really do. I try giving them chances but all I do is get hurt. People have no right going off on me when you barely know me. One thing I hate the most is when someone talks shit about me when I'm like right there then you approach me say stuff leave and talk more shit like seriously? The fact that you are 50 something years old and you are talking shit about me? How fucking immature can you be?!? You're daughter isn't any better I must say. You claim you give me a chance I give you the chance but you go behind my back to someone else saying stuff how I apparently make you uncomfortable by scratching somebodies back? I'm sorry but I didn't know that was a crime! You can seriously kiss my ass I'm done with this bull shit and the fact that you are way older then me and start this kind of shit really says something. Acting worse then people in my so called group who apparently live off drama and fights. I can never ever get away from this fucking drama. I need to get away and that trip to Israel my mom spoke to me about at one time sounds better and better to me these days. I would be gone for a whole year celebrating all the holidays in Israel living my dream and feeling connected once again with my religion celebrating Shabbat knowing everyone around me is celebrating it as well. Hopefully I could learn more Hebrew as well. I know I'd miss my friends but there are some friends I just need a break from need to get away forget about for a little bit. I really at to go to Israel but I'm very afraid to be away from home for so long. The only thing gets me motivated is I would be able to try and or do some of the things I said I wanted to do but couldn't do in the 10 days I was there or even think of doing until I was home. The downside that makes me question on going is the way I am around new people. I can be shy and sometimes antisocial. I'm always afraid of saying too much or too less. I'm afraid of being judged by something I say. I'm afraid of people judging me before giving me a chance. In all honesty that is the story of my life. I was always picked on by people who decided right off the bat they hated me and made my life a living hell in school. I barely had any friends when I was little. I didn't start making real friends until I was at least 13. Sure I had friends but it seemed limited and even then the way I got treated I didn't know who I could trust because I felt like everybody around me was an enemy destroying my self-esteem more and more each year. Those people fucked up my life made me who I am today in a way. Honestly I don't know if it was for the good or the bad the way I got. Some may be for the good while others for the bad. I just feel like I am getting so fed up with everything going on that I want it all to end I don't really care anymore. I've seriously had enough and I want to give up. I wonder if anybody would even miss me or would even care if I was even around half the time. When you can't go to your family for certain issues you know you have issues. I've said all I can say I really don't know what else to say right now without rambling on into randomness so this vent is done.

I need some help

Lately I feel like my anxiety has been worse then it has ever been before. I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb about to explode. Anything can set me into a deep depression or even anger. One thing is I can't understand why I'm so hurt by one of my friends going around hooking up with my friends and not me anymore. I mean we're both single we have that right to do whatever we want. Its just I feel like it was special between us or at least used to be. It rarely happens anymore and when it does I feel as though he doesn't even really feel it like he used to. I don't think he realizes how much he is hurting me by hooking up with half the people in our group or telling me about these girls he is talking to on dating sites. As much as I wanted to be with him I feel as though I can't do this anymore because its tearing me apart. I have had my stress level at an all time high my period is a month late this has happened before due to stress and its happening again cause my stress is probably worse now. I'm tired of being the nice one and always being pushed around by people I believe to be my friends. I'm tired of being stabbed in the back multiple times and I'm tired of always being lied to by people I really care about. I feel as though right now no one cares about me as they did or claimed they did. I feel very worthless cause I can never do anything right anymore. I'm a screw up everywhere I go. I can't advance at work because I'm way to slow and as much as I claim I try my hardest it just is never good enough for anyone anymore. I can't pay my own phone bills or car insurance. I can't afford my own place or to help pay rent with a few people. All my money is being wasted on fast food. My friends are taking advantage of me and my car. I may have even lost my car too. I might have a damaged transmission and timing belt so that will cost an awful lot to fix and I really want to help my parents pay that back. I'm trying really hard to not spend so much money but it seems I carelessly swipe my debit card and my money goes away faster then the blink of an eye. I would love to be able to see $1,000 in my account or even more. I just really need help. I need support. I want to know who I can call a true friend because I'm slowly learning who I can and can't trust and each friend I lose hurts me even more. I want to get help and see if this anxiety is actually something major or minor. I just feel as though there is no one who can actually help me anymore and that I'm better off on my own to suffer. My way of self harm is actually hurting my head to the point where I bang it on walls or hit myself with something like a bottle or even my phone. Lately all I been doing is watching my roommate play playstation 3 but it seems ever since we got that system it is all he ever does anymore.

DTF

Just felt like writing out a post wanting to vent a bit. Had a whole bunch I wanted to say a few days ago but didn't have time go online because I was too tired from work. I been working crazy ass hours lately. They have me working way too many double shifts these days. I think my job is trying to kill me or something lmao. Anyways now that I have to time to post I honestly forget what exactly I wanted to vent about. I mean there's a bunch I could say some I already said before I think. Like my friends with benefits I feel as if we aren't benefits much anymore. If I want sex I have to ask for it these days! It's not something you just ask for it should just be spontaneous and happen. I feel like I'm doing all the oral play too and he doesn't do anything anymore. He is supposed to be a down to fuck kind of guy but lately its like he doesn't want to anymore but I know for a fact he hooks up with my best friend who I can't even call a best friend anymore ever since I found that out. He hooks up with this other girl I never met before but I'm sure if they wanted to fuck he would so be down no matter the time of day. He is lying to me he told me he hooked up with my friend once and wasn't planning on doing it again that it was just a one time thing. But I found out that he does want to do it again that he tells my so called friend he enjoyed it so much that he can't wait to do it again. I don't get why you just can't be honest with me and tell me you're fucking my friend now and then yes I might be a little mad but I'd appreciate the honesty. I feel like I want to give up on men sometimes. I'm really considering dating a girl take my bi-side out for a bit lmao. I'm tired of doing all this oral play with him and barely getting any back in return. I'm tired of asking for sex and hearing you're not in the mood when I know that is bullshit because you are always down to fuck and supposedly always horny so don't go lying to me telling me you're not! You flirt with anything with boobs and will fuck anything with boobs as well. Going around flirting with all my friends and flirt even harder when they play hard to get. Whatever happened to flirting with me? You have a girl who would fuck you any time any day and you rather go to all her friends then her? What kind of shit is this? I only put up with it because I love you so much that I want a relationship out of this but now I feel how would I even be able to trust you at all? Men can not be trusted these days what so ever and that really annoys me. This is why I want to go and try dating a girl take a break from this drama of men and let my lesbian side come out.

really can't take this anymore

The other night I had a big melt down because of many issues. I feel like sometimes running away, far way and not come back. I want to be independant and do things on my own pay my own bills and what not. My dad stil pays for everything becuase in reality I can't afford any of it. My car insurance, health insurance, phone bills. I can't afford my own house or an apartment. I can't afford electricity bills, plumbing bills any type of bills. I cant do anything on my own and it kills me inside. Also to my parents I'm this perfect little angel but truth is I've hidden so much from them because I am afraid of them knowing the truth. Because of one lie I had made my mom hates the one guy who means to the world to me and in order to fix it I need to confess but I'm so afraid to because I know for a fact I'd be in so much trouble for that lie especially cause its been so long since it happened. I really don't know what to do anymore all the childhood dreams I have had are destroyed all my life goals I had for myself by this age destroyed as well. I really don't know what I want to do in life anymore. I really feel like giving up everything. I would never stoop down to committing suicide but sometimes I feel like somehow I just want to end my life or start all over. All the thoughts racing through my head of wanting to drop my family out of my life really hurts me. The fears I have of growing old and dying I want to end. I just want to die to end those fears! I'm almost 22 years old now and the fact that my life feels like such a mess right now I just don't know what I want to do anymore. My brother just did something to help me out but because of that he has our mom mad at him and I don't want anyone mad at anyone. I don't want all this hate going around. I can't stand having people hate me or having people mad at me. Now I feel that my mom being mad at my brother is all my fault! Just because I wanted company of someone. The one guy who knows how to always cheer me up and make me feel better, that one guy that my mom hates because of that one lie that haunts me now because my mom won't forget that moment. I was so terrified of mom knowing the truth that I suffer from it now.

backstabbing lying bitches

Been quite a while since I posted or vented out. I have a lot I want to say but do not know how I would want to say it. A lot has changed and when I say a lot I mean like a WHOLE lot! One of my best friends started living with me and we invested in a Playstation 3. I have another friend who techincally stays with us. That is my friends with benefits lol. To be honest though I feel as though we don't have that benefits title as much as we used to. We used to fuck a lot and cuddle and make out and all that now he claims he doesn't like making out he doesn't like cuddling and we barely have sex much anymore either. However, I found things out like he is going around hooking up with other people this one girl in particular and a lot too. He has hooked up with a few of my friends one of them being my best friend which kind of pissed me off I must say. I'm not mad at him more mad at her. She is like a sister to me we been best friends since we are six years old. She knows how much I love this guy, how much he means to me, how much I want to be with him as like a couple. She starts liking him and fucked him. She broke the fucking girl code! I can't stand when people do that. She is a backstabbing lying slut. I hate how he isn't as flirty with me as he is with these other girls. This one girl I cant stand she decided to finally drop me and all my friends but she kept him as friend and wants to be friends with only him now none of my friends. I believe that she is a backstabbing manipulative lying bitch. Girls cause way too much drama and I can't stand it yet I'm still supposedly bi-sexual. Not all girls are like that though I have come across a few that hate drama and unlike some of my friends wont go and start or cause it. I hate how a lot of my friends say they hate drama yet they cause it most the time or start it or how they say they never talk shit behind others backs when you know they do. What's more annoying is when they say they would never do this or never do that never do anything to hurt their best friend in anway yet they still do they do they exact thing they said they'd never do and that is the worst thing you can do. Especially breaking girl code that shit should be unforgivable but because I've been friends with her since I was six I can't do that to her no matter how close on the edge she has been with me. She's a drama starter and an attention seeker. She starts a whole big bitch fit when she doesn't get her way. She annoys the shit out of you until you cave into what she wants and just thinks because you caved once you'll constantly drop everything you're doing important or not just to go and help her sometimes for the stupidest shit ever. She has a lot of growing up to do she still has that high school level of maturity and she can claim she is mature all she wants she isn't. I'm trying to grow I'm trying to be the mature one but I keep getting dropped down to this pathetic high school bull shit that I shouldn't need to be involved in. I can't stand that shit I don't need soemone elses drama in my life because I have my own shit to deal with. Some people will never learn and will never grow up and that is so sad but in all honesty it won't get them anywhere in life. Karma will just end up beating the shit out of all of them and they will all learn the hard way. Gotta love karma when she is at her best!