I realize I can get very vicious

Yea like my title says I do notice that sometimes. I get really upset at something or someone and most the time take it out on this blog. Now I honestly don't know who reads my blogs at all or if anyone cares. I post here to let out steam now sometimes I do that on facebook but a lot of people tell me I really shouldn't vent out on facebook because sometimes it can lead or it can cause more trouble then you were really looking for. Now I know I have said some pretty nasty things about people in past blogs some of it I may have meant but some of it maybe not. I just type out of frustration that I'll say anything to blow off steam then I look back to that post later on and think to myself did I really just say that? Some of that is how I do feel though but probably could of worded it nicer. One thing I learned though this goes to a topic I may have mentioned here not quite sure but whatever. Never get too attached to someone you're friends with benefits with. They chose to be friends with benefits for a reason and if you start developing feelings it kinda starts ruining the friendship a little. I love him with all my heart I really do but I rather have him in my life as a good friend than not have him in my life at all. With my being way too attached too soon I kind of ruined most of our benefits to the point where we rarely do it anymore. Let's just say it went from him always being in the mood to me not so much to flipping that all around and I really want it and all he will say is I don't know. You apparently can turn a guy that is DTF into a guy thats not so DTF for you. Yes it does hurt seeing him flirt around with other girls and say and do sexual things to her. It especially hurts when one of those girls is your best friend since the first grade. You think a moral best friend code would come in there somewhere. What I find a little messed up though is that he really only messes around with her because she is "willing" and its just another person for him to fuck. I ruined us and I regret that but the damage has already been done and I can't take any of it back I just need to live with it and accept the mistakes I made. I was never the kind of person to be DTF and when it came to him flirting with me I never knew what to do or say because I honestly never liked being flirted with so dirty. Now I would give me than anything to have him flirt with me the way he used to I would actually flirt back or be dirty back. Thing is I try too hard sometimes now that it ruins the mood/moments. Just leads me to suffer from an anxiety attack and him to go off flirting with someone else. Sometimes I do wish I could change my past but I know if it weren't for any of the shit I went through I'd most likely be a completely different person and I probably wouldn't know half the people I know today. I'm learning who real friends are and I don't want to lose any of them. Especially my friends with benefits even if there is not so much of the benefits part anymore he still means so much to me and he always will whether he's my boyfriend or just a friend nothing will change.