It was never my choice

I was told after I graduate high school I was to move to Fords with my mom and dad and would be closer to college although it seemed cool while in high school I'm havng second thoughts. I was never given a choice if I wanted to move or not. I have too much crap in my room I have no idea what do with it. Should I sell it, keep it, throw it out, or donate it? I should of been in the new house by now but I'm stuck working on my room. I can't clean it all my self and my mom said she'd help me but when she came over to help me she never did she just made me get all the laundry out of my room my self. I don't like being forced to do things and now I'm being forced not only to clean my room but to move to a new town. I was just getting used to driving around East Brunswick. I don't want to get used to a whole new town. I also have no idea how I'll manage to get to work everyday when it'll be farther away once I move. I wish I could go back to high school I really don't feel like going to college anymore. I don't want to grow up. I want to go back to High Point atleast I was happier there. It was never my choice to leave there either! Even if I thought I hated that place and wanted to leave it didn't occur to me that I didn't want to leave until it was time to.=\ I sometimes just want to start all over again. If I could start over I'd want everything to change. It would include my looks, the way I see things, my opinion and thoughts, and maybe even my gender.

Cant trust anyone these days

I question who to call my friends these days because the so called frieds I call my friends haven't been good friends lately. Everytime I'm with a big group of friend I feel like an outcast. I'm being left out of things by my own friends. The jokes my friends say about me is not funny anymore they are just mean. I'm tired of certain friends saying I can't drive for life. They shouldn't be talking because they aren't good either. No one is a perfect driver no one ever will be. I'm tired of being lonely. I need a new life. I going to change and this time I mean it. I will be different kind of girl for my freshman year of college. It's going to be hard but I'm going to try to stop acting tomboyish. People tell me I need to act more girly so now I'm finally going to. This means I'm going to have big outfit changes that normally I wouldn't be caught dead in. My hair will be hard since sometimes it has a mind of its own lol. I try to make it look good than later in the day it's always getting messed up. I would give up on my hair because I was tired of having to constantly fix it up. My mom is always buying me make up time for me to finally start using some of it. It's also time to use the nice purses she would get me too and the designer perfumes. Change of topic now I really want to see The Toxic Avenger Musical. I saw it once before it went on Broadway and loved it. The broadway cast is the same cast I saw too. I'm listening to the soundtrack right now. My keyboard is really annyoing me right now. It's acting stupid sometimes. I have to press keys a million times for it to finally work but now it seems to be acting normal. Stupid keyboard why are you being so messed up? -_- I'm bored and wide awake thats one reason I made this blog. I spend too much time online I really do need a new life lol.

Death or Love?

I normally don't post blogs so early in the morning but 1. I'm bored 2. I haven't posted one in a while. I haven't been feeling myself lately I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe its fact that I'm not a kid anymore. I'm a college student and can be charged as an adult and everywhere around me celebrities are dying. Why do people have to die anyway? I fear death more than I fear anything else. I'm extremely senestive when talking about death and I mean extremely. Just a little discussion about death can set me off. It's setting me off right now too. I wish could be immortal like Edward Cullen lol. I want someone to prove to me that reincarnation is true or that heaven is true. I want some to prove to me there is no darkness and there is after life. Why can't we prove that? Why is it so hard to prove? I don't want to fear death. I want my life to be happy. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep and twitching everytime I think about death. I'm tired of hiding my true feelings to everyone. I wish people could understand me better because right now no one understands me but my teddy bears. Right now Metallica is stuck in my head "Hold my breath as I wish for death or please G-D help me!" "Hold my breath as I wish for death oh please G-D save me!". Thats exactly what I need to be saved. Who is going to save me? The only person who can make me happy is the person who actually makes me feel sad later on. The only thing I hate more than death is love. Love is so confusing. How can I crush on a guy for 4 straight years? This guy is never going to be interested in my why can't I move on like I did with all my other crushes? Whats so special about this one guy that I can't move on. FML!!!!!!