DTF

Just felt like writing out a post wanting to vent a bit. Had a whole bunch I wanted to say a few days ago but didn't have time go online because I was too tired from work. I been working crazy ass hours lately. They have me working way too many double shifts these days. I think my job is trying to kill me or something lmao. Anyways now that I have to time to post I honestly forget what exactly I wanted to vent about. I mean there's a bunch I could say some I already said before I think. Like my friends with benefits I feel as if we aren't benefits much anymore. If I want sex I have to ask for it these days! It's not something you just ask for it should just be spontaneous and happen. I feel like I'm doing all the oral play too and he doesn't do anything anymore. He is supposed to be a down to fuck kind of guy but lately its like he doesn't want to anymore but I know for a fact he hooks up with my best friend who I can't even call a best friend anymore ever since I found that out. He hooks up with this other girl I never met before but I'm sure if they wanted to fuck he would so be down no matter the time of day. He is lying to me he told me he hooked up with my friend once and wasn't planning on doing it again that it was just a one time thing. But I found out that he does want to do it again that he tells my so called friend he enjoyed it so much that he can't wait to do it again. I don't get why you just can't be honest with me and tell me you're fucking my friend now and then yes I might be a little mad but I'd appreciate the honesty. I feel like I want to give up on men sometimes. I'm really considering dating a girl take my bi-side out for a bit lmao. I'm tired of doing all this oral play with him and barely getting any back in return. I'm tired of asking for sex and hearing you're not in the mood when I know that is bullshit because you are always down to fuck and supposedly always horny so don't go lying to me telling me you're not! You flirt with anything with boobs and will fuck anything with boobs as well. Going around flirting with all my friends and flirt even harder when they play hard to get. Whatever happened to flirting with me? You have a girl who would fuck you any time any day and you rather go to all her friends then her? What kind of shit is this? I only put up with it because I love you so much that I want a relationship out of this but now I feel how would I even be able to trust you at all? Men can not be trusted these days what so ever and that really annoys me. This is why I want to go and try dating a girl take a break from this drama of men and let my lesbian side come out.

really can't take this anymore

The other night I had a big melt down because of many issues. I feel like sometimes running away, far way and not come back. I want to be independant and do things on my own pay my own bills and what not. My dad stil pays for everything becuase in reality I can't afford any of it. My car insurance, health insurance, phone bills. I can't afford my own house or an apartment. I can't afford electricity bills, plumbing bills any type of bills. I cant do anything on my own and it kills me inside. Also to my parents I'm this perfect little angel but truth is I've hidden so much from them because I am afraid of them knowing the truth. Because of one lie I had made my mom hates the one guy who means to the world to me and in order to fix it I need to confess but I'm so afraid to because I know for a fact I'd be in so much trouble for that lie especially cause its been so long since it happened. I really don't know what to do anymore all the childhood dreams I have had are destroyed all my life goals I had for myself by this age destroyed as well. I really don't know what I want to do in life anymore. I really feel like giving up everything. I would never stoop down to committing suicide but sometimes I feel like somehow I just want to end my life or start all over. All the thoughts racing through my head of wanting to drop my family out of my life really hurts me. The fears I have of growing old and dying I want to end. I just want to die to end those fears! I'm almost 22 years old now and the fact that my life feels like such a mess right now I just don't know what I want to do anymore. My brother just did something to help me out but because of that he has our mom mad at him and I don't want anyone mad at anyone. I don't want all this hate going around. I can't stand having people hate me or having people mad at me. Now I feel that my mom being mad at my brother is all my fault! Just because I wanted company of someone. The one guy who knows how to always cheer me up and make me feel better, that one guy that my mom hates because of that one lie that haunts me now because my mom won't forget that moment. I was so terrified of mom knowing the truth that I suffer from it now.