happy blog

Thought I'd update and make this blog entry happier then my other one. I had to get that out I dont care wether people read it or not. It was not me trying to be emo either. Anways happy thoughts from now on lol. I'm listening to music right now getting ready for bed or atleast trying to. Im not even tired maybe only a little bit lol. I want to go to school tomorrow yet at the same time I dont want to. I never liked Monday's. I like Friday's better. I'm not a fan of school this year things are differe since all my 08 friends are again. I miss a certain someone too I'm not mentioning names my friends should know. I love talking to him though when I get the chance. We still hang out too just like we did last year about once a week lol. I'm getting more active this year in in school. I'm in the senior council. I'm going to be a part of homecoming decorations. I'm a part of deciding our prom theme too. I'm trying my best to be more school spirited since its my final year of high school. I still can't believe I'm a senior though because it feels like just yesterday I was this inocent little first grader and just look at me now lol. I'm still inocent in someways atleast lol. I think I'm going to stop writing now and try to get to bed that and I really don't know what else to say lol. So good bye good night don't led the bed bugs bite =p.

I just want to get this out this is more for me then for everyone else but read if you want

I don't care who reads this or not I'm only posting it for me. If anyone reads this and wants to make remarks or comments to help me feel free but nothing mean or rude. If you do want to help good luck because what I'm about to write after I'm done explaining people have tried to help me with for years but its one of those things that can't be helped can't be answered and won't ever go away. I used to go through a very horrible phase where I would get extremely depressed and worry about my future. I was afraid of it. I was afraid to grow up, grow old, and die. I'm afraid of death. I feel like this phase is phase is coming back. I'm thinking about again and getting depressed agaim. There are times I cry my self to sleep. The reason I'm so afraid of death is because. I'm afrd what happens. I know I shouldn't be worrying about this stuff. I worry like about reincarnation does it really exsist? I worry about heaven do you go there after death? What about hell is that real too? I worry the most about this last one I'm about to explain and this one always makes me the most scared and the most depressed. Do you die and then nothing? Like you don't remember a thing you're dead and then all you see is blackness not knowing what just happened? I really want to believe in reincarnation but no one has proof or answers if it really exsists so it scares me. I normally try not to think about this stuff so I don't get depressed but it just randomally started coming back to me I mostly think about when I'm alone. If I'm with friends I'm fine. I don't think my parents know about how I feel on this but they will probably give me the same answers everyone else has been giving me. This is a hard topic there are no answers to it. It's not like you can just go up to someone who died and ask "Hows it feel to be dead?". When I think about this stuff I try my best to think of other things like happy things happy memories. But my thoughts on this topic gets so strong sometimes I cant avoid it I can't ignore them and I end up in tears lots and lots of tears. I have cried my self to sleep many times thinking about all this. I worry too much about my future. I know Forget the past worry about the present. I also no don't worry about the future because everyday is your future you decide what your future is. I don't worry or regret much about my past anymore its all focused on my future now. I'm terrified of dying I wish I could live for ever. I hate having to post this entry but I didn't know where else to post it. I'm not emo I didn't post this to be emo I posted it only for me only to get it off my chest. If anyone does read this like I said in the beginning and wants to try their best to help me I wish you luck because many have tried and many have failed. If you can prove to me reincarnation is real then I don't have to worry. To make my self feel better I used to think of this, Every second someone dies and every second someone is born. But then that stopped working when I found out and starting thinking/wondering knowing the ways babies are made is it possible for you to die then just somehow appear in a woman's stomach and start growing into a brand new baby? I think I'm gouing to stop writing its making me feel bad and if you want try your best to help me on this topic I really didn't want to write it nor did I know where I wanted to don't ask my why I decided blogspot. I'm done now also I'm sorry if I made anyone depressed by reading what could actually be my longest post ever

First day of school

Eh the first day of school it was ok. It was really hot in some classes though. The very first day and I get assigned homework first period. I finished it though. Everything was good until last period walking down the bleachers I get caught on a bolt from the bleacher banister and it rips my brand new jeans. They were the only size 16 jeans I have, oh did I mention I lost 4 pounds and I also went down 2 jeans sizes? Well now I did lol. My spacebar is bothering me it broke off again and everytime I use it breaks off and I have to keep fixing it. Its getting annoying I just want to snap in in half right now but thats not going to solve anything lol. I'm going to have an interesting school year. I'm happy to have one of my best friends in my lunch period. I enjoy sitting in the senior section and I'm happy I have preschool education lol. I had an interesting class we did the itsy bitsy spider we actually had to write it down then when we were all done writing we sang it with the moves and all lol. Six weeks from now the preschoolers will come in and we start teaching and observing them. It's going to be so fun lol. Looking forward to the rest of year for some of my classes atleast. Some classes I could live without. I wish I had chorus this year and late in or early out would of been nice lol. In order for me to even get chorus I'd have to drop preschool education and that is not going to happen lmao.