having some anxiety

So I have a lot going on my mind lately. Mostly its my anxiety issues. A friend and myself are planning this whole week birthday celebration. We are trying to book a beach house for 3 nights. We have this one set up but I don't have the money to make a deposit for it. My boyfriend said he'd do it to help us out but to be honest I'm not sure if he will. He recently told me he feels as if he agreed to that too quickly and feels as if he's just not sure anymore. Had a big moment where he felt all depressed and asked me what I saw in him. He thinks I deserve so much better. I'm honestly getting tired of these moments he gets into. They caused us to break up and make up twice already. I really can't handle it anymore. I don't like the feeling of knowing when those moods will come and we break up again. I don't know how to break up though because I really hate being the dumper. I can't stand to hurt people. I do still care about him a lot but I would really prefer to be friends. I can't handle it. I have an aspburger brother and a bi polar brother each having their own issues. After awhile having a boyfriend with aspburgers as well it sometimes gets a little too much for me to handle. I have to deal with my own anxiety too. I don't know why I fear death so much but I do and it causes me to get so worked up about it. Sometimes I'm terrified of going to sleep because I'm so afraid of never waking up. There are times I even cry myself to sleep because of it.

some venting and then some randomness

So I vented first on my facebook status because my best friend/facebook sister told me a few things her ex has said about me. This what my status said, "Fucking bitch got no right to call me an ugly fat slut or whale. You never nickname a girl 'lard butt' you fucking asshole. Wishing me and my boyfriend to go die in a ditch? Well you know what? I wish the same fucking thing to you, you fucking son of a bitch!! You can Tisaref B' Azazel (burn in hell)" The "Tisaref B' Azazel" is burn in hell in Hebrew, hence the parentheses. Then someone asked me who I was talking about so I said this, "An ex friend I've known since 4th grade his new name from now on is Dan Load-of-Shit. He can seriously Tisaref B' Azazel for all I care! He is the only one person I truly hate with a passion. I condemn everything about him!! Load of shit is the epitome of all assholes" I used a few of my vocab words from reading class in there. I also think Load of Shit is very belligerent. ( Another vocab word meaning hostile)If I ever saw him I am sure I would be very belligerent to him for everything he has done to my best friend and for the shit he has said about me. He tried to start a rumor that I was pregnant and that was around the time I thought I might have actually been. He did not know that though he just wanted to try and start that because he apparently hates me now. I could care less if he hates me because I hate him too. Enough of the venting and now on to my randomness. In a previous post I mentioned how I have tried everything on the McDonald's menu except the fillet fish sandwich. Well I finally tried it and to be honest it is not all that bad. Not something I would get all the time while at McDonald's but would not mind having it every once in a while. So now I can officially say I have tried everything on the menu.