having some anxiety

So I have a lot going on my mind lately. Mostly its my anxiety issues. A friend and myself are planning this whole week birthday celebration. We are trying to book a beach house for 3 nights. We have this one set up but I don't have the money to make a deposit for it. My boyfriend said he'd do it to help us out but to be honest I'm not sure if he will. He recently told me he feels as if he agreed to that too quickly and feels as if he's just not sure anymore. Had a big moment where he felt all depressed and asked me what I saw in him. He thinks I deserve so much better. I'm honestly getting tired of these moments he gets into. They caused us to break up and make up twice already. I really can't handle it anymore. I don't like the feeling of knowing when those moods will come and we break up again. I don't know how to break up though because I really hate being the dumper. I can't stand to hurt people. I do still care about him a lot but I would really prefer to be friends. I can't handle it. I have an aspburger brother and a bi polar brother each having their own issues. After awhile having a boyfriend with aspburgers as well it sometimes gets a little too much for me to handle. I have to deal with my own anxiety too. I don't know why I fear death so much but I do and it causes me to get so worked up about it. Sometimes I'm terrified of going to sleep because I'm so afraid of never waking up. There are times I even cry myself to sleep because of it.